Once Upon a Time in a land far, far away called New Malden, lived a little pixie named Kujo. Kujo was a special pixie, as he had still not grown his wings. All the other pixie’s picked on poor little Kujo, but he didn’t let it get him down. No, he was a fearless bastard who engaged in hand to hand combat instead of flying away like the prissy twats he grew up with.
Recently his home land started to lose some of the magic that dwelled within as Pixie’s fled to other mystical lands in better hopes for their future since recession even hit the magic world. The elders did not know what to do to preserve the magic so after hours of brain storming and research the only thing that would save them would be to capture a unicorn and harness its power. Yet this was no easy task. Unicorns were hunted for sport back in the 70s and eventually, Unicorns were declared as distinct creatures. Even if one was lucky enough to spot one, pixies were not the fighting type and often used their magic in battle, but against a Unicorn, their magic was powerless.
In a small house, sat the hero of our story, sipping a beer and getting it on with lesbians because he was so epic, lesbians couldn’t even resist him. The phone started to chirp away and finally Kujo answered it, and it was the last thing he was expected. The Elders needed his help! Without him, his kind was doomed. So off he went, to the “Eye of the Tiger” song, with all his battle gear in check. He was going to capture himself a mother fuckin’ unicorn.
Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and yet Kujo still had not spotted himself a unicorn. He lived off the land, followed rumours and potential trails to find what he needed, after all; his people needed him. But it was no use, maybe Unicorns truly were extinct, he started to lose hope, but he did not want to go hope empty handed. After all, the people that ridiculed him for years for not having his wings were the very people who needed him, he wanted to prove himself to be better than all those wankers. He trained hard for the next few weeks, slaying any creature that walked in his path, and feasting on the remains of the edible creatures. Hope was at an all time low and that is when it happened…
It looks liked crystals in the back grounds, millions of them, but he knew it wasn’t. He was not a human who could get sucked into such a trap. Who set it up? He had not spotted any gremlins or dragons in the neck of the woods he had currently been camping in. However, although he was strong, he was not strong enough and he walked towards the light. As he got closer, he noticed a waterfall and flowerbeds, although a five year old girl had thrown up her fantasy dream world. And there is was, the more enchanting creature he had even seen. He was truly speechless. The unicorn jerked its head and spoke to him, “I’ve been waiting for you, and you’re a strong willed one. I have been keeping an eye on you, I believed you would have given up your search for me by now.” Kujo looked into the creatures eyes, they were so beautiful that he could not say a word, but he knew in his heart he had to slay this creature.
The unicorn stood up and trotted towards him, “I know of your intentions, but I am sorry to inform you, you have been mis-led, your Elders intentions for having you bring me to them were ill-advised. People fled your land in fear. Your ruled has been over come with greed, and wishes to over rule other creatures and build himself an empire. Which, with my magic, he can successfully do.” Kujo nodded towards the Unicorn, somehow he knew this to be true. From the start of his mission it did not feel right. “What am I to do?” he asked the Unicorn, hoping for it to possess the answers he now needed.
“There are many things you can do, you can return home and pretend our encounter never happened, you can fulfil your mission, OR you can save your people. The choice is entirely up to you. We make out own paths, but no matter what path you choose, you will face hardship.” And from that instant he knew what he had to do. The unicorn nodded at him and stood by his side, “If that is that path you shall choose I wish to help you.” He spoke, although Kujo never voiced his decision. Kujo hopped onto this majestic creature, whom he just met, and he didn’t even know his name. Before he could open his mouth to speak the unicorn spoke, “my name is Martimus.” To which, Kujo laughed, “WHAT KIND OF NAME IS FUCKING MARTIMUS FOR A UNICORN?!” he roared in floods of tears. The unicorn without hesitation, “what kind of pixie doesn’t have wings? I mean come on mate, you must be the runt of your kind.” And from that moment on they knew they would get on awesomely.
So off the went into the distance, back to New Malden to save his people. When he returned the towns folk that still remained looked shocked, and whispered as they walked through the streets. The Elders eyes were filled with greed but with their words they claimed to help the people and throw a celebration in the honour of the great Kujo-kun. As night fell, Martimus and Kujo planned their attack. As morning crept up, and preparations were made, their plans were starting to fall into place. Just as they were about to start their attack, the guards attacked them. The festival was all a lie. The unicorn was to be captured and Kujo, killed so that Martimus would be blamed. NOT A CHANCE IN HELL. Martimus started to gallop into the sky and attack them with rainbow bolts as Kujo started to torch the fuckers. And before he knew it, all the royal guards had died in a blaze of glory. The Elders surely had been informed, so he had to resort to his back up plan.
One foot in front of the other he sprinted to the Elders chambers, lighting shit loads of Dynamite, and throwing it at them, and before they could get away, the place went up in flames. Kujo was blown back by the explosion and through all the death, lost his right foot. For his heroic act and saving his people, the unicorn granted him his one wish. Kujo got wings and ruled New Malden with his trusted friend Martimus.
THE END!
